Did I disappoint you?

Or let you down? Should I've been feeling guilty?

You've touched my heart, you've touched my soul. You've been the one. The one for me.

I am a dreamer. And when I'm awake, you can break my spirit, it's my dream you take.

And if you leave me. Remember me. Remember us.

I do. I still see us laughing in the wind. Still think about this time. Still see your smile. And in the same moment, I try my hardest to forget. To erease everything. To make it undone.

You didn't change my life. I just wasn't strong enough to go on like this. Wasn't strong enough to fight. Just let myself down. Like a bird that lost it's wings. Embarassing. Silly. And so sad. Because it wasn't just "a" bird. It was one of this singing mockinbirds. And now, all we hear is silence. Killing silence.

It's maybe over. But still, live goes on. Even if you don't want it to. So take all the pieces and move on.

Easter: I failed again. I feel guilty, ugly, fat. But I'm trying to hide. I don't want to destroy the happy easter sunday with my presence. "Go for whatever makes you happy." FOOD!

How can I laugh when I'm afraid to fall?

Scheinwelt

Langsam habe ich es satt. All' diese Lügen, dieses augesetzte Lächeln, diese Scheinwelt. Und jedesmal denke ich, es müsste doch offensichtlich sein. Wohin ich auch schaue sehe ich glückliche Leute. So, als ob alle glücklich sind, nur ich hier Trübsal blase. Das ist nicht wahr, ich weiss. Aber irgendwie ist es einfach, das zu glauben, als zu wissen, dass ich es eigentlich bin, die etwas falsch macht. Dass ich es bin, die ihr Leben in die Hand nehmen muss. Dass ich die Einzige bin, die noch irgendetwas an der Situation ändern könnte. Sollte. Müsste!

...no one ever said it would be this hard!"

Irgendwie hoffe ich noch immer darauf, dass es irgendwer bemerken wird. Irgendwer mich darauf anspricht. Endlich mal Klartext mit mir redet. Mich auf den Boden der Realität zurückholt. Mir klar macht, dass es so nicht weitergehen kann. Weil ich mich selbst zerstöre. Mir mein eigenes Grab schaufle.
Ich schreibe das hier so emotionslos. Es ist mir vollkommen bewusst, was ich schreibe. Nur dringt es nicht bis zu mir durch. Es schockt mich nicht. Ich nehme es nicht Ernst.
Fataler Fehler, ich weiss.



...und da sind tausend Wörter in mir, es ist nur zu schwer, sie auszusprechen...

Ich hab's getan.

Zum ersten Mal seit etwa drei Jahren wieder Süsses gegessen. Nicht nur ein Stück Kuchen, nein, den Ganzen und Nussstengel, vier...und Brot und Butter, eklige Butter...leider. Es war nicht schön. Ist nicht schön. Aber ich kanns nicht mehr ändern. Irgendwie habe ich mich damit abgefunden. Morgen wird alles besser. Vielleicht. Danke euch! :)

I remember not knowing what an eating disorder was...

...but with the knowledge, all of it started. Years ago, without realizing what I've done to my body. All this years.

With every pound I lost, I thought to be happier. (but in reality, I wasn't)

With every pound I gained, I hated myself more and more.

I don't know why I started losing weight. Perhaps because I wanted attention? Perhaps because I just wanted to look like all this thin, popular girls in the magazines? I really do not know.

Was it the only way to live my silly life?

I stopped caring about everything. I felt like a ghost. Empty and sad. I isolate. Lost myself somewhere.

...

I tried. I hoped. I screamd. Without anybody listening.

I realized what I destroyed during all this years.

If I could then I would. Turn the time back. Undo it. Change my life.

But I can't. It makes me the person I am now. No, no happy end.

...When your body suffered all this years from malnutrition, on day it takes everythin back that was prohibited all the time. The chocolate. The cookies. The butter. The meat. The bread....

That was the day I started binge eating. When I look back, it was obvious that it had to start one day. Perhaps it was the only way to make my body survive.

I gained weight. I'm still gaining. And it got worse. I'm normal weight. I do not seem like a person with problems. I hide. I smile. I live. But is this life worth living?