Sometimes I want to slap myself for my thoughts. I want to hurt myself. To make my body feel that I'm still alive. The easiest way to do that is to eat. To eat a lot. To eat a massive amount of food. No, not 3000 calories. Over 10000 calories. In the moment of eating, I don't feel the pain. It feels good, your thoughts aren't concentration on all the other problems. They're fixed on eating. Eating more and more. 10 bars of chocolate. 5 bowls of chips. Cereals. A whole bread with a block of butter. Ice-cream.
And there is no point of stopping. Until you can't move anymore. At that point you are so full, that you feel like you're gonna explode. And in that moment, the good feeling is gone. You feel horrible. You just wanna die. You hate yourself so much. You ask yourself "What the hell am I doing here? Why did this happen again?".
Aber du kannst es nicht mehr rückgängig machen. Und jedes Mal schwörst du dir, dass es nie wieder passiert. Ohne Erfolg.
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